Red Riding Hood

Red Riding Hood

Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke
Cast: Amanda Seyfried as Valerie (Red Riding Hood)
Gary Oldman as Father Solomon
Billy Burke as Cesaire
Random Guys as The Love Interests (Henry and Peter)

Rated PG-13

*The following may contain spoilers* 

I'll say it once again, Hollywood is out of ideas. Now, we're retelling Red Riding Hood. No one has ever done that before. Granted, this one looked interesting. The wolf is actually a werewolf that wants to eat Amanda Seyfried, so...that's kind of new.

What I failed to realize is that this movie was directed by the same woman who directed Twilight...and was fired afterward. If you're bad enough to get fired from the Twilight franchise, you need a new career path. 

But, alas, Catherine Hardwicke pressed on and gave us the pile of mis-matched random crap that is 2011's excuse for the Red Riding Hood story.

What I Liked:

Not much to put in this area. I wasn't expecting much from the movie, but this one was just bad. For the first time, I walked away and sincerely wanted my money back. I can't emphasize how BAD this movie was. But, for the sake of putting something in this category, I'll try and find something good about it.

....

....

....

Um, well, the...snow was cool looking...I guess.

Seriously though, props are given where props are due and I have to give Amanda Seyfried credit. She did an excellent job with what she was given and carried the film for as long as she could (about 20 minutes). So, congratulations Amanda (since you're totally reading this), you were the only decent thing about this movie. You and your amazing eyes.

Amazing.

What I Didn't Like: 

ALL OF IT. I said above that I couldn't emphasize how bad it was but I'm going to try. 

The only thing that made me remotely interested in this film was the somewhat original concept of the wolf being a werewolf and killing everything. Essentially, it was the fantasy aspect and the violence. And that was taken away. 

Yes, the wolf was a werewolf and only came out at night (Proving that Catherine Hardwicke knows what a real werewolf is) and yes, there was blood. Quite a bit of it too. But the fantasy was shoved into the background and replaced with a weird love triangle. Great. 

Here we go again.

So, yeah. Red Riding was now Twilight except Bella's wearing red and there are no vampires. Nice to know Catherine Hardwicke is capable of some originality. To make matters worse, remember that "Cesaire" guy I mentioned in the "Cast" section? Well, he's Valerie's father, played by Billy Burke. He might sound familiar to some Twilight fans because, as it turns out, he also plays Charlie, Bella's father. Real subtle, Catherine Hardwicke. You disgust me.

Also, the reason Amanda Seyfried carried the whole thing was because the other actors were possibly and probably recruited from a street corner. They were incredibly bad. Everything they did felt fake and scripted so the whole experience was painful to watch and failed to create any kind of convincing world. I was never pulled into the world. I always knew I was watching a movie. A really bad, Twilight rip-off movie. Even her "love interests" couldn't act and they're the other two main characters!!! And speaking of the love interests...

I'll go ahead and say it, I saw the Twilight movies and read the books. I even called myself a fan at one point. It's just about as bad as everyone says, but Stephanie Meyer balances the mushy, emotional junk with a little bit of action. 

Riding Hood didn't. Instead, audiences are forced to endure lengthy overacted and over-dramatized conversations between Valerie and her interests. It's terrible. And, thanks to Robert Pattinson, every teenage actor in a movie believes that you need a husky, quiet voice to be attractive. So, you endure that plus some terrible dialogue and random kissing scenes for a very random and weird Twilight remake with extra, added drama.

I say random in the most literal way. The movie flashed between memories and dream sequences so often that occasionally forgot what was actually going on. The emotional parts aren't really that convincing either. Peter (the main guy) randomly decides that he doesn't want Valerie anymore and leaves her because "he's not good enough for her." But she argues that she loves him, no matter what. Then comes in the second guy. Wait, this all sounds really familiar...

This point will continue to be made.

So, on top of the unconvincing Twilight plot, there's also a random lesbian-type encounter (Valerie dances suggestively with another girl to make Peter jealous) and several "oh it's dark, let's party" moments. 

Then, as the plot begins to climax, they decide to actually follow the plot of the original Red Riding Hood story and condense it into three minutes before the movie ends.

If you notice, I have not given the usual plot outline for this movie. That's because I don't want it to sound interesting. This article contains everything you need to know.

Final Thoughts: 

It was just bad. Seemingly thrown together on a budget of ten dollars, Red Riding Hood attempted to be visually dynamic, suspenseful and dramatic but ended up missing the big picture because it paid too much attention to the details. Overall, it was poorly written, directed and acted, appearing as the first embarrassing blemish on Amanda Seyfried's otherwise successful career. Like Batman and Robin to George Clooney.

George Clooney and everyone else in this crapfest.

When Should You See It? 

If you have any self respect at all, you just won't see it. However, if you enjoy torturing yourself and wasting time, at least wait for it on DVD. It'll be out in like three weeks anyway. 

Personal Rating: 2 of 10 (D-)

Plot: 2 of 10

Sexuality/Sensuality: 3 of 10

Spiritual Aspects: 2 of 10

As the trailer shows, a priest is called in to hunt the wolf and multiple references are made to the "holy ground" of church.

Drugs/Alcohol: 1 of 10 

Her dad gets drunk and passes out on the ground.